April 2022 Newsletter | How to Express Your Needs to Your Partner in a Relationship
Posted April 1, 2022
Attachment Theory was developed to conceptualize how humans develop relationships and is based on the idea that, for normal social and emotional development, young children need to develop a relationship with at least one primary caregiver. Understanding and applying Attachment Theory to relationships can work towards improving them drastically. There are several types of Attachment Styles (from Anxious to Avoidant to Secure). Working towards healthy, secure attachments results in feeling comfort and closeness; it is demonstrated by an ability to give and receive support from our partners. When we feel safely connected to our partners we can more easily cope when they say things that hurt our feelings and we are less likely to hold on to our anger after a hurt. With secure connections we are able to brainstorm solutions with our partner to solve problems and connect together to meet each other's needs.
But, many of us do not have secure Attachment Styles and this can mean that we are not securely attached to our partners. Our past impacts our communication patterns, contributes to automatic negative thoughts and a host of other unhealthy responses when we are triggered. Our past impacts how we bond with our partners, solve problems, and informs the sense of togetherness that couples often strive for. Regardless of how we are attached, we can use the CBT model to look at our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors in order to understand where Anxious Attachment or Avoidant Attachment present, and we can make changes to improve our relationships through shifting our thoughts.
Often, we think that our partners should simply know us and not behave in ways or say things that "trigger" us. We are at times triggered because our partner’s actions remind us of painful experiences from our past. We may have been conditioned from childhood to think and respond to our partners based on our past experiences. The problem is that no matter how much we think our partners should just know what we need and how to respond to us, they too come to the relationship with their own conditioned responses from childhood. From our past we develop rules, beliefs, and assumptions. In other words, we become conditioned to respond to stressors based on a past model of reacting to stress and this model may be outdated.
Changing our beliefs, assumptions, and rules can be done but it takes a conscious effort to develop new ways of responding. One way is to practice making requests and expressing our frustrations. This can lead to increased safety in the relationship, provide a deeper understanding and empathy for each other, which in turn can lead to growth and healing in the relationship. Remember: this takes practice but this technique can help improve the connection to one another and as we express our needs, wants, desires, and frustrations, we can develop better rules, assumptions, and beliefs about ourselves, our partners, and the world in general.
Here we discuss two great tools to help couples. The first tool, the Frustrations with My Partner worksheet, is used to help couples express their frustrations and identify how their frustrations may be triggered from past experiences. Expressing frustrations with words helps bring closeness back to relationships. Expression of feelings gradually begins to replace acting out our hurt feelings of anger, holding onto grudges or any other behavior that leads to a disconnection from our partner. Putting into words our frustrations in a respectful and vulnerable way effectively improves relationships.
The second tool, the Behavior Change Response Form, can be used to assist couples in making requests to each other. These requests can be a need, desire, or want from their partner. The partner hears the request and sees granting the request as a gift. This may not be easy to give the gift, however, due to one's own past rules, beliefs, or assumptions! Sharing if we are able to give the gift, are uncomfortable but will give it anyway, or expressing that we are not ready to give the gift with a reason, can be a starting place to bring about positive change in how partners react and communicate with each other.
These tools can help partners develop new ways of seeing each other, heal from past injuries, and help the relationships grow. Can you imagine giving this gift to your partner?
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Looking for tools to improve your relationship? Learn how relationship therapy can help.