February 2023 Newsletter | Dwelling on What Others [Might] Think of Us
January 30, 2023
As social creatures, we often wonder how we are perceived by others. Our appearances, our jobs, the things we buy, and the things we say aloud and online—there are points in our lives where we may feel that each of these things is being judged by others. It is natural to both wonder what others think of us and to worry that we may be judged negatively. Yet, if the fear of the negative opinions of others is keeping you up at night or holding you back from living your life, this article is meant to help you put some things into perspective.
Let your values guide you
Chances are good that you will be more anxious about what others may think if you are unsure of yourself. When we have doubts about ourselves and our actions, we give more weight to the opinions of others. However, by cultivating our values and allowing them to guide us, we create a solid foundation on which to stand and the opinions of others matter less.
We are all self-centered
Remember that others don’t think about you all that much. People are generally very busy managing the ins and outs of their own lives, along with their feelings about those lives, leaving little time to dwell on the lives of others. The one who tends to spend the most time thinking negatively about you is you. Although this may sound a bit harsh it’s actually very liberating: discovering that others don’t have much time to harbor a negative opinion of you allows you to save the time you might spend worrying about what they might think of you.
Give yourself some distance
When you worry about what others might think about you, where does that worry usually start? Is it when ruminating on the past? After spending time on social media? When talking with someone else? Think about what triggers your worry most and consider giving yourself some distance from it. If looking at postings on Facebook or Instagram gives you doubts about your own social status, remember that your use of those applications is totally voluntary. If your remembrances of the past lead you to feel anxious, spend your time doing something else. Although our feelings and thoughts can both be automatic, we can give ourselves permission to move on from them: a great tool that comes from meditation is acknowledging the existence of a thought and letting it pass by without interacting with it further.
If the above suggestions do not prove helpful and you find yourself struggling with the hypothetical feelings of others, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) offers other tools for learning to manage concerns like these:
Identify and explore the worry or fear: This tool can help by meaningfully exploring the cause of the worry about what others think and the fear of what negative opinions could lead to.
Seek out more information: We often discount the fact that we have limited knowledge of a situation. Although we may worry that a certain action (or inaction) on the part of another person is a clear signal that they think negatively of us, the truth is that we almost never know everything. By seeking out new information we can better inform our understanding of what’s going on and what someone else might be thinking.
Learn to tolerate uncertainty: Although difficult, this skill is helpful in many situations. Uncertainty makes us uncomfortable. We fear it. But uncertainty is not always bad and, furthermore, it is a fact of life. We will always face uncertain moments in our lives. Learning to tolerate some uncertainty in your life will enable you to feel less anxious and upset when faced with the unknown.
With a therapist, you will learn about these tools and others, and become adept at utilizing them to manage your anxiety around what others may think about you. Give us a call today to learn more about working with a CBT therapist.