Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day: The Importance of Validating Grief
Posted October 12, 2022
October 15th is Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day. With the taboo that still surrounds this topic, many people experiencing it feel unable to express their grief. They may feel that they do not have the right to grieve or that their loss is not real - a painful experience called disenfranchised grief. I know this feeling since I experienced it during my late pregnancy loss.
When I was 20 weeks pregnant, my water unexpectedly broke. After six hours of labor, my daughter was stillborn. This loss devastated me, a feeling intensified by the invalidation I experienced.
Discussing pregnancy loss is still often discouraged, even though it occurs in one in four pregnancies. Most losses happen in the first trimester, but no matter how far into a pregnancy, the pain of loss can be poignant. In early pregnancy or even while trying to conceive, many hopeful parents start imagining their future child, their nursery, their life together. That is partly why failed pregnancy attempts or a failed IVF cycle can feel so painful. The loss and grief still exist.
But others may not understand. I heard many well-meaning, but unhelpful comments, such as "you can always have more" or "everything happens for a reason". While these statements may be meant as comfort, hearing them can invalidate the true grief that a mourning parent feels.
Not acknowledging the loss or pretending as if nothing has happened can feel even more invalidating. When I encountered this reaction, it felt like my loss did not matter and intensified feelings of disenfranchised grief. Many people don't know what to say (which is itself something they could say) or they feel uncomfortable discussing such a tragic event. But grief is a lot harder to bear than the discomfort of discussing it.
Validating pregnancy loss can offer the most support. For grieving parents, this validation might mean naming the baby or holding a memorial service. Friends and family can show support through food, company, or cards acknowledging the loss. I still feel grateful for the support I received, like pre-cooked meals, a homemade quilt, quiet company and cards with thoughtful messages. One card came from a friend's mother who had experienced a similar loss and said, "I won't presume to say that I know how you feel, but I know how I felt – the pain and grief are real - the loss is real." Just a simple validation like this one can serve to acknowledge loss and offer support during a challenging time.
If you know someone who has experienced pregnancy loss, offer your support - offer food, offer company. You don’t know what to say, say that. You don’t know how to help, ask. But if you try to convince someone mourning to feel happy, it can often have the opposite effect. Grief is important and necessary. Telling someone that they should not be grieving may make them feel even worse.
Pregnancy loss can be an especially challenging form of grief, given the invalidation often present. If you have experienced pregnancy loss, know that your grief is valid and your loss is real.
Tracey Horst, LMSW provides individual grief counseling and facilitates a weekly virtual grief group.