September 2022 Newsletter | The Difficulty of Admitting Victory

Posted August 30, 2022

We often focus on what we would like to change or what has not gone right. This can be especially true when it comes to therapy, a process we often seek out when we would like our lives to be different. While being aware of what we are dissatisfied with in our thoughts, habits, relationships, or careers can motivate us to pursue our goals, it is important to also recognize and celebrate our wins, both big and small. 

Where things went right

For a lot of people it is far easier to focus on what went wrong and overlook what went well. Cognitive distortions, negative patterns of thinking that are misaligned with reality, train one’s focus on personal failures and shortcomings. When we only focus on the downside (or perceived downside, as cognitive distortions typically lead us to misinterpret things as negative that may not actually be so) we trap ourselves in a state of defeat. Distortions such as ‘all or nothing thinking’ (seeing things in black and white categories; if your performance falls short of perfect, you see yourself as a total failure) and ‘disqualifying the positive’ (rejecting positive experiences by insisting they "don't count" for one reason or another) create a feedback loop of never feeling “good enough.”

Fear of success

Although we may desperately want to succeed, achieving success can actually be quite terrifying. We may feel uncomfortable admitting when things go right because we believe we do not deserve to do well or to feel good about ourselves. Success can disrupt the internal narrative we have of believing we are deficient and disappointing. In some cases, we may discover that the success we find does not make us feel the way we had hoped it would, or that it doesn’t solve all of our problems: that’s okay. The truth is, there is no magic bullet, no single win, that will make our lives feel complete (how boring would life be if there was?) but each success we have can be a positive inflection point, a moment that reminds us that we are capable of achieving our goals and worthy of feeling good.

You deserve to feel good—no matter what that looks like

It is both a blessing and a curse that the internet has given us a glimpse into the lives of others. On the plus side, we have the opportunity to see all of the wonderful ways that humans can be and learn about different ideas. On the other hand, having access to so much information about others can lead us to judge ourselves by their standards instead of our own. But remember that success looks different to different people. It can look different to the same person on different days. 

Sometimes success looks like excelling at a project at work, school, or home.

Sometimes success looks like taking some time off.

Sometimes success looks like doing the laundry. 

Sometimes success looks like letting the laundry pile up and being okay with it.

Sometimes success is saying “Yes!”

Sometimes success is saying “No” and holding to it.

It can be eating a healthy meal, or landing your dream job, or taking a nap. It can come with recognition from others or be a totally solitary moment. Even if our success is small compared to the next person’s, it is still worth recognizing. 

This month, we encourage you to recognize when things have gone well and take a moment to celebrate each of your wins. If you find that doing so is an impossible feat, we’re here to help you overcome the difficulty of seeing yourself and your accomplishments in a positive light. Give us a call today.