February 2022 Newsletter | CBT Communication Techniques for Relationships
Posted January 25, 2022
With the ever-hyped Valentine's Day approaching, the focus on romantic relationships can lead to mounting tensions and pressure. Communication constitutes one of the most common problems facing relationships. Culture, family, and past relationships all affect how people express themselves leading to vastly different communication styles. In addition, communication is often viewed through the lens of the overarching feeling in the relationship, i.e., if you are feeling positive in the relationship, interactions are viewed more positively, but if you are in a negative space, even neutral interactions are often viewed as negative.
So how can you improve communication in your relationship with these barriers? Here are a few CBT Techniques that can help:
1. XYZ Statements
XYZ Statements are a simple technique for expressing yourself to your significant other in a non-confrontational manner. Format the statement as: I feel X when you Y because Z. For example, ‘I feel angry when you don't take out the garbage, because it makes me feel like I have to do everything.’ In this way, you can express your thoughts and feelings authentically, but calmly. Your significant other can respond by saying, "It sounds like…” Such as, ‘It sounds like you're mad when I don't take out the trash because it makes you feel like everything's on you.’ Reflecting the statement back allows your significant other to feel heard and understood. It also allows the opportunity to clarify if something's being misread. XYZ Statements can help facilitate peaceful communication when conflicts arise.
Check out our video on XYZ Statements for a sample conversation.
2. The Speaker Listener Technique
Similarly, the Speaker Listener Technique involves a couple of rules for productive communication:
Use "I" statements.
Don't presume you know what the other person is thinking or what their intentions are.
Stick to "I" statements which describe your experience and your feelings.
Participate in active listening, listening fully to what your significant other is telling you.
Then reflect it back.
Take turns in communicating, so both sides are heard and understood.
Check out our video on the Speaker Listener Technique for a sample conversation.
3. Identify Thoughts and Feelings
Your thoughts and feelings about your relationship can lead you to say or do certain things. Identifying the thoughts and feelings behind your words and actions can be illuminating. If your thoughts contain cognitive distortions (such as Black and White Thinking, Discounting the Positive, or Mind Reading), you may be acting or speaking in a way that is neither helpful nor necessary.
Check out our guide on Cognitive Distortions to learn about some common examples.
4. Show Appreciation
Too often our communication with significant others is focused on the negative - what they're doing wrong, what the problem with them is, how they aren't meeting your needs. Try to take time regularly to include positive communication. Challenge yourself to start statements with "Today I want to tell you something I appreciate about you. I appreciate that you" or "One aspect of you that I am grateful for is", or "When I see that quality in you, I feel (fortunate, pleased, love, etc)".
Bringing more time and effort into your communication can bring more understanding and love in your relationship. Cultivating your communication skills using these simple techniques can strengthen your connection to each other. This Valentine's Day, try to avoid external expectations like elaborate or expensive gifts. Focus instead on your unique relationships and how you express yourself authentically to the people you love.