October 2021 Newsletter | How to Help a Friend Who is Struggling
Seeing a friend struggle with an issue or psychological problem is difficult for many reasons. It is difficult because you care about your friend who you see feeling down, stressed, anxious, lonely or in conflict. It is difficult because your friend is sharing – or showing – their struggle, and you have your own understandable reaction to receiving those thoughts and feelings. It may also be difficult because you want to help and don’t know how.
You may not know how because you’re unsure of…
what would be helpful
what your role is in helping
whether trying to help in the way you think would be beneficial could negatively impact your existing relationship
These are important considerations that speak to the desire and need to be thoughtful in your interactions with your friend now, recognizing their vulnerability.
With them in mind, we’ve created some tips and prompts for thinking through how to approach a friend with a problem.
Listen, but don’t take it all on. Healthy friendships involve many components, including a balance of give-and-take. It’s likely that you aim to strike this balance by giving to your friend, to some extent. For example: you’re probably comfortable with – and even welcome the opportunity to – listen and bear witness to your friend’s difficult experiences. But, beyond that, do you have to, and should you, do more? Where is your line – or boundary – when it comes to giving that reasonably protects you from the overwhelming tasks of taking on your friend’s issue? The answer to this question varies from person to person but should be examined in order to determine the boundaries required to maintain your own psychological well being.
Know your friendship. While listening is often helpful and comfortable, it may be difficult to provide in certain circumstances, with certain relational interplay. Knowing your friendship means knowing your relationship history and dynamics (in good and stressful times!), so that you can be thoughtful in your attempts to help. What should be said or not said, done or not done will vary according to the relationship, just as it varies according to the issue presented. If you do decide to voice your concerns, there are some guidelines for communicating in non-stigmatizing, empathetic and engaging ways. XYZ statements of “I feel…X…when I saw/heard/ observed…Y…because (I saw it as a sign of)…Z” focus on your feelings and associated interpretations. By using them, you are showing that your motivation is not judgment but your own feelings in reaction. You are welcoming an open dialogue about the issue, by saying, in essence: “I see it this way. Do you see it that way, too?”
Know yourself in this friendship. Know your reactions. Do you play a role in your friendship? What is it? Does this get in the way of your friend seeking out other resources and support (such as professional help)? How will you feel if your friend doesn’t listen to your concerns? How will you feel if you don’t say something about your friend’s issue? Answer these questions for yourself as part of your effort to determine how best to proceed.
Do not be an island (of support)! Recognize that other supports exist and may be part of the team that is needed to help your friend through a tough time. One person can only do so much! Often, the greatest help is provided in gathering potential “helpers” and systems of support that align with and attend to the needs and struggles you see.
Suggest - and, then, let go! It is tempting to think that if you were more convincing or tried again you can win over your friend to your way of thinking. But, the truth is, your friend’s decision to engage in a change-oriented process is determined by them - not you. They must be distressed by their own issue, and they must be desirous of and motivated to change. So, if you do decide to make a suggestion to your friend, make it but do not be overly focused on the result, as though you have sole responsibility in instigating change. Do not say to yourself: “I have failed unless I have convinced him to go to therapy like I think he should.” Be driven by your own integrity as a friend (“To be a caring friend, I think that I should share my suggestion because I think it has a chance of improving things for them”) and respect your friend’s own resourcefulness and autonomy, even as they struggle.
Part of the joy of friendship is being there for each other through highs and lows. But, as you support a friend, you also have to remember to protect yourself emotionally and treat yourself with care. And, by caring for yourself, you will be able to be the best friend that you can be.