Missing Your Barista: The Underestimated Commodity in the Relationship Economy
“I love them, so why am I struggling to be with them?”
In some form or the other, this question has been raised again and again with my clients whom I counsel as they navigate quarantine. They are getting what they thought they wanted most. There is extra time with kids, more “downtime” with partners, a chance to turn back the clock and live with family members who they haven’t lived with in years. Yet, it’s hard.
And, I’ll be honest: by clients who are struggling, I mean my clients and me. I, too, have seen a contrast between my dreams of “quality time” with loved ones and reality, and I’ve been surprised by it. I dreamed of being more involved with my children’s schoolwork and learning. I hoped to have hours - not minutes - to talk to my partner about more than a high-level summary of my day. I wanted to have more conversations with my parents, siblings and seldom spoken to but much-loved family and friends.
What I hadn’t counted on was what it took to enjoy that time together.
It turns out that being involved in a child’s schooling is sometimes a painful tug-of-war. Who knew? (Ok, educators knew.) It turns out that, as much as I was dissatisfied by how little time I have with my partner, parents and siblings, I had gotten used to it and didn’t initially know how to handle more.
We all have to adjust our relationship dynamics, right now. In cognitive behavioral terms, we have to shift our assumptions and expectations about those relationships and how we interact. With my kids, the reality of homeschooling has meant that my relationship with them must change. It is now formal education, nurturing and attentiveness combined. My view of my own “good parenting” has adjusted, alongside this new tasks and their accompanying expectations.
What I’ve heard from my clients - and recognized myself - is that part of the struggle with relationships results from being confined. Our reality isn’t mirroring our dreams because we are facing a scenario that none of us had dreamed of.
In our dreams, “quality time” included being in the world together. Exploring new places and experiences together; having a date night “out” (rather than “in"); being with one another and others, simultaneously. These differences are significant, assisting us in transitioning from one part of the day and perspective (i.e. work mode) to another (i.e. family mode).
Clearly, we have to relate to one another differently than expected and imagined if we are to stay connected and become closer in quarantine. To adjust thus, we must identify what the new expectations and assumptions we have about our relationships are and work towards understanding them and their impact. For example: I expect that I must be a “good” teacher, as well as a good mom, for my kids; and, I expect that they will be fairly focused students, as well as decent children, to me.
We must also ask ourselves if these new expectations and assumptions are reasonable, manageable and fair.
In my case, I cannot be a teacher of the same standard and ilk as my kids’ teachers. I need to clarify in my mind what it looks like for me to be a teacher, as a person who is untrained and already occupied in another role (being a parent). Undoubtedly, if I do this, my expectations of myself will lower and the accompanying stress I feel as I homeschool every day will lower too. Instead, I will judge my success as a teacher by what I can reasonably be expected to achieve. What a relief.
We also have to think of substitutes for the experiences that would have helped us to enjoy one another more easily. Intuitively, many of us are already doing this. By engaging with each other via creative projects, learning and hobbies, socializing with others on video platforms and creating a special occasions at home such as date nights and birthday parties, we are mimicking the experiences that we dreamed of, the experiences that support our relationships. Let’s recognize how necessary these experiences are and do more of them!