February 2021 Newsletter | Healthy Family Boundaries in a Boundary-less Time
Maintaining healthy boundaries is often talked about in therapeutic circles - but what is it? And why is it important now more than ever? Healthy boundaries are the limits that maintain an individual's autonomy so that mental and emotional health is not sufficiently compromised by another. Seen thus, we can recognize how COVID-19 presents a particular challenge to boundary-setting: after all, we are in our loved one's daily lives unceasingly as we work, learn and play at home!
Being together more than usual can bring family members closer together as they learn new and creative ways to interact with each other. This closeness, however, can also increase tension and stress as boundary crossings become more pronounced.
The first step to setting healthy boundaries is to be aware that your boundaries are actually being infringed upon or are out of balance. As we spend more and more time with our family members we may find that we are getting into more and more arguments or debates with each other. A common argument heard over and over again during this time is how to address social distancing expectations as well as respecting the space each person requires to work or learn. These boundary issues can lead to negative emotions including resentment, anger, anxiety and annoyance. Being aware of your feelings and addressing them can prevent relationships from deteriorating. Setting healthy boundaries can improve communication and build stronger relationships that can last long after the pandemic resolves.
Here are 5 steps to maintain healthy boundaries, which will help to improve communication and preserve the bonds of family.
Recognize and identify your emotions. These emotions can include anxiety, annoyance and anger. You may also feel that you make sacrifices for others or have difficulty saying no when you really want to. In other words, you may feel like you are being taken advantage of.
Think about what you want to change and share some specific actions each person can take to improve the situation.
Ask for what change you need. Don't be shy. Ask for space and delegate tasks if this boundary has become loose and is now causing you distress. Speak up if you are uncomfortable with how someone is communicating with you. Avoiding the situation will not make the matter go away. Express what you feel is safe and unsafe and it is important to be assertive and express what change you would like.
Remain calm and respectful. Use "I" statements to express your feelings and point of view because this will let the other person hear your needs and not feel blamed or shamed. "I" statements focus on your own feelings and experiences and "I" statements create more opportunities to resolve conflict. It helps you express yourself without causing the listener to tune out of the conversation.
Be open to compromise. If you are kind and respectful others will be open to hear and work with you and are more likely to provide the change that is needed.
Using the above steps can help change unhealthy cycles or patterns of communicating within your family. Avoiding open communication and expression of your feelings will only make the situation persist. Start by identifying the way you feel and assessing all the complex emotions and changes to your daily routines COVID-19 has brought to your family. Taking responsibility for the way we feel and not shying away from difficult conversations will help us establish healthy boundaries and improve our current situation and establish a way of resolving family issues in the future.