April 2021 Newsletter | Overcoming Guilt
Guilt often arises from the belief that you have done something wrong. It is different from shame, an emotional experience in which you feel as though your whole self is wrong. On the plus side, guilt serves as a check on the choices we make; but, it can also lead to feelings of regret, sadness, shame, anxiety, and humiliation. It can cause us to ruminate over our past actions, leading us to look back with “what if” thoughts and to question why something turned out the way it did. Guilt can have a physical impact on us as well; it can lead to sleep difficulties, poor appetite, or feelings of sadness or dread; it can affect our behavior by making us avoid certain situations or people; guilt may also create concentration issues, and lead to anxiety or stress.
Guilt may be internalized as a result of being bullied or ridiculed as someone interprets themselves as deserving of the treatment received. It can be a reaction to the thought, “I did something wrong?” such as being dishonest or disloyal. Often, guilt is caused by some deviation from societal norms, which may or may not actually be “wrong.”
Here are a few tips to help you begin to address your guilt:
Identify any cognitive distortions such as catastrophizing or overgeneralization statements associated with guilt: “Because I did that wrong thing, no one will like me” is an example of a catastrophic thought wherein you think of a terrible outcome based on what happened. “I’m always wrong” is an example of overgeneralization in which “always” thoughts dominate. Begin to challenge and replace these thoughts and beliefs with a balanced point of view. For example, if you made a mistake, do you think, "Everyone will always think of this mistake from this day on"? Identifying the distortion and replacing it with a more balanced thought such as, "one mistake will not dictate the rest of my life," can help alleviate the guilty feeling.
Practice Acceptance: You cannot always be perfect or act perfectly. We all get angry, impatient, and make mistakes. Practice self-compassion and forgiveness and soften your inner critic.
If you did make a mistake, try to make amends and apologize. Know that you are able to learn and can decide to do better and act differently in the future. Tell yourself that the past is in the past, and look to the future.
Evaluate the source of your guilt with key questions such as: Have I done my best? Was it my responsibility? Were you acting in your own best interest? Did you change your behavior as the situation changed? The answers to these questions could help alleviate feelings of guilt.
Learn to say no: You cannot - nor should you - be responsible for everything.
Know that guilt can be educative, telling you something important from a place of empathy. Having a feeling of responsibility could show that you care about others and help you understand how actions may affect others. This shows that your actions lean towards being trustworthy and sensitive to others. It is important to remind yourself that life does not always go according to plan, and practicing self-acceptance and self-forgiveness can normalize your guilt and remind you that everyone makes mistakes. Practicing self-compassion will help shift your guilty feeling in a more comfortable direction. Self-compassion includes taking a break and exploring how you can provide self-care to yourself right now. Also, use the "Best Friend Standard" and ask yourself how you would treat a good friend with a similar struggle. Write a letter to yourself or write a journal entry, and in your writing, offer yourself acceptance and compassion for your mistake or regret.
Remember, you can attempt to make amends with another person in order to repair any hurt or damage. You can practice self-forgiveness and consider a different choice in the future. Lastly, reframe negative self-talk, and instead of reminding yourself about the mistake or error, you can focus on telling yourself you will do better in the future. Know you are capable of learning and capable of growth and change.